Candy Everybody Wants

When we were young we learnt several phrases which were nothing but ruinous to our developing mental health. One of them was "If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

I am reminded of that phrase as I sit down to write tonight. For the past 24 hours, I've had only un-nice noises filling out my mental landscape. Actually, it's a singular nagging voice, mainly. The one that reminds me of how I got here.

Wait, where are you going?

I'm only gonna concentrate on the good and the unique things of the past week.

The hypocrisy might cheer me up after all.

Firstly, the apartment (officetel) is starting to take shape:


When the Ryan Adams poster went up I officially moved in.















Here's the view out of my window:


I started planning and teaching my own lessons for real this week. We're still expected to follow the syllabus pretty closely, but I try to divert every lesson and give the kids something that is less "disneyfied" and has my stamp on it. Many of the students also have an aptitude for English that is far beyond what the program requires as they have lived in an English speaking country for a few years. For instance, I think of this girl as "the Kiwi" as she came up to me after the first lesson and told me that she lived in Christchurch for 2 years:


She didn't want her picture taken. Perhaps I therefore shouldn't post it on the internet but she is one of my favourites so that makes it okay. And not only because when she found out it was my birthday she brought me a block of Cadbury's!

That's actually a common part of the school culture here. Children bring candy to their teacher and often expect it back in return. We are advised not to fall for this trap as they will soon treat you as a vending machine. When I am given candy I offer it to someone else. If the mood catches me I'll mutter "no-one ever gives me what I really want" under my breath, before coming back into the room with an upbeat "see you next week for when Young-Ho learns prepositions!"

I certainly don't give candy. Teacher Son-na and I held firm on this one on Tuesday and resisted the demands of two particularly persistent clients (I was about to point to the fat kid and say "too much candy is already your problem, sunshine," but remembered the story of the golden haired boy who held too much faith in the importance of telling the truth, and what happened to him, the poor martyred little turd.) Anyway, we thought we'd found peace when they walked out but the little shits locked us in the staff room and we had to call the lady that delivers the milk to rescue us.

Which fulfilled two of my longest-standing fantasies in one hit. Talk about kicking goals all round.

Speaking of which, we (Stephen, Marina, Sarah and I) went to watch the Seongnam vs. Melbourne match on Wednesday, which Seongnam just took out in the last 10 minutes 3 goals to 2. Stephen and I sledged Kevin Muscat through the entire match and I like to think the big dumb meataxe could hear us. "I've got your number, Muscat!" "Muscat's a wanker!" and my favourite "Hey! Muscat! Go back to your own country!!!" etc. Which is to say that the foreign supporters of Seongnam FC loosened up a bit during their second home fixture. I got a really shithouse picture of the team before my camera went cactus:


Much of the reason for the jocularity (there's a word I won't be exposing to the candy-munchers!) was the plentiful (another one!) soju Stephen brought with him, which we began consuming at a galbi restaurant before the match:















A tenner from all concerned covered for that entire table! That came with 3 bottles of soju I'll have you know. (Equivalent to 3 bottles of wine). In fact, soju is so bloody cheap here it's a boozer's delight! Went to the supermarket this arvo, 6 pack of soju: 6 bucks! the most expensive? VB six pack (warm, in a can), $17.50!

But enough about alcohol because it's boring.

Here's a picture of me doing something Korean:










Eating kimchi that is! Here's another one:


Getting my picture taken (by the kiwi) while surrounded by a bunch of my students, giving what is known as the Asian salute. Asian kids do it all the time in pictures! These are some of my year 6 boys. The one just over my right shoulder is a bright young lad; cheeky as all hell and already popular with the ladies. Reminds me of me. He's got a strong left boot too. The boys were mid-game when I interrupted them, but it didn't bother them; they seem to like Lachlan, their new American teacher:













Here's some adorable kiddies having a running race:












But this is the standard reaction I get from Korean women, in case you wondered:


That's right: giggling, and trying to hide behind their sleeves. Which is fine. I had a really nice time in the playground today. The adults of the lunchroom are so bloody serious, with their bowing and their silence and their indoor slippers. I know! I turn up for the first day at school and my minder says "In my country, we wear slippers indoors because of the dust." I repress another urge, this time to say "in my country, people who wear slippers keep their teeth in a jar" but out of international friendship and tolerance I don't!

Life is very fast and I'm falling into the trap of thinking that if I didn't capture it on film then it didn't happen because I don't remember it, so I'll end with another picture and another goal I've kicked this week:

I have the gas connected now and can therefore cook pasta with tomatoes and onions. Mmmm, sounds delicious.

See y'all after I get back from Gangwon-do next week! Love, Lach.

In Which Lachlan Ceases To Begin

In Korea, babies are considered to be 1 year old when they are born. Whether or not it was intented, the result is that our Korean life begins nearer to the moment of conception than to that of birth. Which makes sense to me as a rational, thinking, slightly oafish and rather sweaty westerner. What doesn't make sense is that in moving to Korea I have entirely forgone my 30th birthday, which I would have celebrated this Sunday in Welby-dong had I stayed at home. The other recent miracle, apart from time travel, is that I can now walk on water:



See?



Here, Marina and Sarah cross the Tancheon the more traditional way. Roughly every 500metres, there are these giant stepping stones that lie across the river. At night they light up and it looks terrific. It's also really nice to see kids playing and jumping across the stones as we walk to school in the mornings, though it also makes me feel embarrassed about my own underprivileged childhood as all I had accompanying me to school were the unwanted and unwashed street urchins on the Welby bus. Here in Bundang, we don't reveal our backgrounds if they are too rootsy or working class. The locals are all too busy trying to be wealthy Europeans or Americans and "whiteness" is highly desireable to some. My yoga teacher told me a very disturbing story about how the parent of one of her students (English language student) is trying to make her 6 year old look like said teacher: to have a S shaped figure and whiter skin.

The people of Bundang are wealthy and they spend their spare time getting new fashions and disposing of old ones (i.e. 3 weeks gone). Or eating in places like this:



Mad for Garlic is the very thinnest edge of what is known as "Konglish" - that amalgam of English words and Korean structure/grammar/sentiment which results in a nonsensical phrase. Plenty of Bundangerites have Konglish on their tshirts. It's fashionable to have English words on your clothing, even if it says you got it from "Massachubatts" or instructs the reader to "go home and jackoff!" Or it could simply be a ripped white tshirt with a picture of a Korean model above the simple phrase "DIARRHEA." Yes, really. There's a clothing shop in Gangnam called "Make Me Fucking Lovely." (There is an almost total disregard for proof reading in modern Korea.)

What I mean is that you might be mad for Garlic, but in Western culture it's more likely to be something more sensual, captivating or desireable that arouses the passion which manifests in insanity (unless you're French of course, and if you're reading this blog, you're probably not, and if you are, Hi Emi and Gregory!). Here is a rather clearer example of Konglish:



The text on the team banner of Seongnam FC here reads "THE ONE! THE REAL! IN THE NAME OF SEONGNAM FC!"

On Wednesday night, after returning from 3 day teacher orientation at Anseong, I went and checked out a K-League match across the river in Tancheon stadium; a local derby between Seongnam and Yongin. And I will be returning this coming Wednesday as Melbourne Victory make their way to my neighbourhood for a good old fashioned ass-whooping by the mighty Seongnam FC Flying Pegasuses (plural?). We have an Australian - Sasa - who looked solid and dependable in the role of sweeper and a couple of other imports, one of which - number 11 - was a sharp right midfielder who made numerous good runs, and another up front who did nothing but fall over and try to milk penalties all match. I think he had an Italian surname...

Here's the three up front:



Left wing: Stephen, the native speaker at Anmal Elementary, just down the road from Imae, who has all of my furniture but is an all round top bloke. Striker: Marina, giving the Asian salute and who also has a big crush on me but hasn't realised it yet. Right wing: Sarah, who also lives in Yatap dong, and who was having quite a bit of trouble finding good vegetarian options here in Korea until Lianne (8 year veteran of Korean campaign) took us to Seohyun the other day, a suburb full of cafes and one or two western grocery shops.

It's the end of week 1 of official duties as a projection technician here in Bundang. And I feel fine.

The highlight of the week was GEPIK camp at Anseong, in the south of Gyeonggi province, where teachers from all over were bussed into teacher training and orientation for 3 days. Things are a little clearer to me now, thanks in large part to 2 lecturers Aaron and Mathew who cut through the boring rhetoric of the Gyeonggi Province of Education and spoke to us as concerned young teachers wanting to know how to do our jobs better. Here are some highlights for me:



The walking trail near our dormitory. The hills aren't very high but they're bloody steep. I went out walking with my room mate Andre and I don't think he was expecting it to be such hard work, coming from Saskatchewan, which is full of farmland. But we made it to the top:







There's a squirrel in the middle of this shot. My first.



Note the FIFA logo on my slippers. I like to think that when Korea co hosted the world cup with Japan, the Brazilian football team stayed at the KSA and used it as their base. Roberto Carlos possibly stayed in my room.



I don't know who these dudes were, but they woke us every morning by assembling on the parade ground, pairing up, facing one another, and shouting at each other for 10 minutes at a time. At first I couldn't believe their stamina for such a futile exercise, before realising I had done this myself last year in Malmo for around 6 hours a day on average...



The good people of GEPIK orientation April 2010 relax with a bit of "western" "food" on day 3.

I have a television with 78 channels and I cannot switch it on without spending the next 3 hours fixed to the spot with my jaw on the floor as I am totally mesmerised by Korean programs, even if I don't understand the language. My favourite game is "I think I know what's happening here" by observing body language, tone of voice, and the number of times someone bows.

I also have a phone now. Number is 010-4952-2216. Write it down.

I also got drunk on soju with my co-teacher on Thursday at a Korean restaurant. I've decided that we make the perfect couple as due to her Korean heritage she can't look at the empty glass of her host without refilling it to reduce her discomfort, and when I see a full glass (which I always do these days thankyou Dr Spencer) I just see a challenge waiting to happen, I feel warmth, see neon lights, no I'll get the bill. That woman is flirting with me and everybody else loves my natural charm as well...

And I drink to it.

Bless.

I'm The New Guy

Okies, here goes.

It's Saturday night, my first here in Korea. I arrived on Tuesday night after taking good old Flight KE122 out of Sydney that morning. The cab driver warned of the "trouble" with women I would face in Korea, and that he saw me say goodbye to my wife out the front of our house: "uh-oh...you have trouble (wagging finger in rear vision mirror)... handsome man like you...trouble...ha ha ha..." I was about to tell him I had been friends with Emma for years (17, right?) before letting it slide. It didn't matter. Anyway, I don't take trouble - I make it.

He then told a truly humbling story of how he escaped Vietnam after being imprisoned for 3 years by the NVA as he fought for the south and was captured in 1975 and put to hard labour on a diet of not much but soup. I resolved to never complain ever again and only ever do nice things for people and turn the other cheek even when they were nasty. Like this man did:



I call this "Jesus tending to his frock." 25% of South Koreans are nominally Christian and churches like this one are common, particularly in prosperous Bundang-gu, which is where I live and work. I took this picture while walking beside the Tianchun River, which empties into the Han River (which bisects Seoul, further to the north). The original plan was to walk along the river until I could see Seoul BUT it was further than I'd expected, AND the dust and pollution of this city ensures that I don't stay out for too long at a time. Lots of Seoullites go walking or cycling by the river while wearing one of those kerchieffy things to protect their lungs. Breathing through the nose seems the best option, but this won't be possible if I want to resume running soon, as I'll be huffing and puffing away like the big ungainly and sweaty westerner that I am. In order to minimise my salience I'm planning on getting one those silky purple tracksuits that Koreans over the age of 50 have; maybe a hat with an enormous visor too.

In the mornings I walk in the opposite direction to get to school, which is called Imae-dong(2) Elementary, and takes about 25 minutes to get to. Today, one of the other teachers showed me how to use the subway system, so that will save valuable time on those days when I have slept in due to spending the previous night in Seohyun doing the lawnmower, the sprinkler, shopping with children...

The subway is amazingly easy and inexpensive to use. It costs 1500 Won to get to Seoul - about $1.70. The trains depart every 3-5 mins in peak hour and every 7-10 mins on weekends. I live on the Bundang Line which is just one way for up and one for down: there's no arsing around with changing trains at campbelltown and sitting in a carriage full of dropkicks until you reach the other side of Tahmoor. Brendan Gomola was actually on the last train I took from Mitta to Sydney before flying out and that's no lie. That's also 13 years after finishing school. That guy must have accumulated so many frequent traveller points that he is allowed to travel for free now. If he ever did bother buying a ticket that is.

Here are some pictures of my neighbourhood:


The doorway underneath the billiard balls leads to my officetel (apartment), which is 7 floors up, and sparsely furnished. I have (carefully) brought this to the attention of the authorities in a way which will not cause disharmony in the workplace, or something (just get me my LG flatscreen!)


This one is diagonally across from my place. The "Miller Time" advertising is a landmark for me as there ain't no street signs or house numbers in Korea. Funny how I haven't been lost yet, though in Sweden I was forever going the wrong way, turning the wrong direction, being the wrong person...


Evidentally I'm not in Kansas anymore.



I went to school on Wednesday morning after arriving the night before and life in Korea has been a blurry haze of pollution, "alien registration" and AIDS tests (fingers crossed on this one: if I am HIV positive I've lost my job and my residency AND I have AIDS - how do you say "I hate to break it to you" in Korean?) Since then I've taught a few classes and I enjoy being up front and talking to the students. Slowly. In that context it makes sense, but one thing for which the novelty is wearing off already is the way everyone stares when you are in public. This has been my greatest naivety so far: Korea is a highly homogenous society and foreigners are a rarity. When I first saw westerners during Wednesday night shopping I stared at them as well.

That's not true at all. I was busy discussing the pros and cons of flouride treatment from the young attractive Colgate representative in aisle 7.

That's not true either. I was just ogling her.

See you when I return from GEPIK teacher training next week, where I expect to meet loads of Americans banging on about their college football team.

I Have Won!!!

A lot actually. But after you've seen what it buys it becomes more like an average wage, perhaps undeserving of the exclamation marks.

Anticipating the desire to (selflessly) share lots and lots of photos with you of me gallivanting around Asia, I have reignited my old blogspot account (what will you do for me?) I'm also looking forward to using it to have a good rant every now and then as well. Oooh my word I am. In fact I'm even toying with the idea of registering as a business and ranting on your behalf. It goes like this: you give me a brief rundown of whatever irks you; I construct the rant, it legally becomes yours (for a small fee). I shall call it Rant4U.

I am just about to start a 12 month contract teaching English to elementary students at a public school in Gyeonggi province, Korea. The city I'll be in is called Seongnam and is just outside of Seoul, though it's connected via the subway (Bundang line).

There is so much to do in Korea and being interested in Buddhism, Confucianism, good food, hiking, history and culture, language, cheap travel, and heavy drinking in tacky nightclubs (as I am), Korea promises that weekends will be a 48 hour blur of neon bliss! Unless I decide to stay in.

I hope to use the opportunity to travel within China during my holidays and have started brushing up my Mandarin to prepare. I've wanted to travel down the Yangtze River by ferry since like forever and am becoming more and more aware of how life doesn't happen unless you actually make it do so (happen, that is).

And then, following that, the jewel in the crown: TRANS-SIBERIA 2011 BABY!!! Ferry to Vladivostok, followed by a slow trip across the largest continent of all, ending in St Petersburg to take another post teaching kids how to swear!

At least that's the plan. I'll keep you posted.